Solvie'd been asleep for hours, the fact that I killed her ex-lover was getting to her. Not because she still wanted him, but I think she was afraid ... for me.
I walked into the bedroom and pulled a chair up next to the bed and took her hand. I just sat there and watched her sleep for what felt like hours. I prayed to any god that she wouldn't hate me after seeing how much of an animal I am.
Inside me it stirs, I was born this way, and it had taken a long time to control urges for blood. And I would do anything for this girl.
She started to stir and opened her eyes and looked at me.
"Hey." I said softly.
Unbe-bloody-lievable. That soddin wanker Ripper went back to merry old England and didn't so much as leave me a soddin' extra pint of blood in his reefer. Old bastard was kind enough to leave a few bottles of the good stuff at least. That and the soddin cable bill was paid up 'till the end of the month. Time for old Spike to catch up on Passions
Damn its nice to watch on a telly without need to hook up the bunny ears. Reception in a crypt is exactly how you'd expect....cryptic.
"Oh balls Timmy! Get your arse out of that well you wanker!"
I was quite right about the change in scenery doing myself good. I've even looked up Olivia who required little coaxing for a 'Welcome Home' evening. She offered a flimsy excuse about testing out my mattress...actually I rather took it as an invitation. Bloody glad I did too, it had been entirely too long since this old boy has gotten some....ahem...action.
It was precisely what I needed to work Ethan Rayne and his disgusting memories from my body and my mind. That chapter in my life was closed for good and the book burned. There would be no falling back on old habits for me. No more business with slayers, hellmouths, or wanton magical adventures.
Just booze and pussy for Rupert Giles now.
Everyone was all depressed because Buffy was dead. I mean, sure, I was sad too, but isn't there going to be another slayer called or something? Or maybe Faith will do all the slaying. I guess I should "look at Buffy's death like she's a human" and not like just a slayer, but it's so hard to think about her when she was a normal, living, breathing person like me. I mean, I could die someday! Soon! Even, tommorow. That would really suck. I'd want to have sex one last time with Andrew before I died. All these thoughts about dying and sex made me nervous. I knew what I had to do.
I jumped in my car and sped off to Andrew's parents house. I still wasn't the greatest driver, but I got where I needed to. The brakes screeched as I stopped in front of Andrew's house, my car halfway in their driveway.
I knocked on the door loudly, "Andrew?" I called out, "You there??"
I've done a lot of thinking lately. I need to do what that Mike guy said. I have to be the strong one now that Buff is gone. As much as I don't want to be the in charge guy... with Giles gone I have to. Someone has to look after Dawnie. Will is busy with school, and I have work and all so it is going to be hard. But I'll find a way.
I looked around my apartment and saw the note that Faith had left on my table. I opened it up and read it. I was shocked when I read her words. She loved me? I had left this on my table for weeks thinking that it was a 'fuck off letter.'
I had to find her. Hopefully she hadn't moved on.. or found someone else.
The day came and went and I'm still alive. Can't say much for Brett.
I don't exactly take pride in taking lives, even if they are lower than scum and deserve it. But survival of the fittest, I had to defend myself and what was mine. Even though I don't mean to seem as though I view Solvei as a possession, quite the opposite.
I could feel his crew following me, maybe they were clued in that Solvei would warn me, or maybe they were just too foolish and too cocky. Either way that attitude made the day fly by. Divide and conquer was the best way to destroy a pack, and essentially that's what they were.
I took them out one by one until I found him. He was slow and stupid, thinking his boys were there to back him up. Too bad all he got were bloody corpses. He was a suck shot.
I wish Solvei hadn't been there, my wolf took out all my rage and contempt for Brett out on his body. He was long dead before I could control the rage, rage that only fueled the animal within me. I never wanted her to see me like that.
Now I'm worried all I've done is frighten her, will she be able to look at me the same way again? I picked up Brett's gun and handed it to her. Just in case. I hated thinking about it, but there was a possibility something could happen.
I had the same dream again. I was putting a rose on Buffy's grave and it wasn't hers anymore. It was my own. Every time I had woken up I was shivering and i couldn't stop. I would just lay there in bed unable to breath. That rose meant so much.
I had put it on her grave three days ago and now it haunted my every moment. I had gone home with Willow and Tara after the funeral. And the sight of her coffin being lowered into that grave was burned deeply into my mind as though it had been burned into my skin.
I hadn't cried as they buried my sister. I couldn't. I had taken it all worse than anyone knew. I felt so incredibly guilty that she had died because I had been caught by that evil bitch Glory. I didn't want them to worry about me. Every single event we had been through in the last year weighed heavily on my mind every time i lay down to try and sleep. It was so hard to sleep now.
I think they worred more because I hadn't cried at the funeral. They seemed to know that when I break, there will be no stopping it for awhile. At the very least, that's how it feels.
If i wasn't 16 years old I would drink myself to sleep every night, no matter how I would feel each morning. They are planning on having someone stay with me at my own house. My house. The only thing that seems to be alright in my life is Mike, he sits with me as i stare at nothing. He listens as i share my memories.
It's so scary. I don't get to be a child anymore, even if I wanted to be. I have to be so much more careful now with everything. I was never prepared for my mother dying, I was never meant to be in charge of myself. But am I still the key, or do i get to just be Dawn? Do I still need to be protected.
It was so much simpler before. I knew what was expected of me and now everything has changed even more. I miss Buffy so much, I just want to see her. I want my mom.
I started to cry and sat down on the floor at the end of the couch, unable to control it as every ounce of emotion inside of me flowed out and i began to sob. I leaned my head against the cushion and listened to the storm outside as I felt like i was bleeding, the world finally whistling and wailing as the lights flickered. The world outside cried as I did, mirroring me as the lights went out and i was left in darkness.
Arriving in London after an interminably long flight was refreshing. Hearing the hodgepodge of familiar sounds and scents. It almost makes me smile, putting Sunnydale on the otherside of the globe. My moment of clarity was gone in a flash as it occured to me why I was here. Buffy was dead, and I was powerless to alter that. At another time in my life I would have done so, purely for selfish reasons.
Then again had I really changed that much? Certainly killing Ethan was something I had decided to do on a whim. None of my typical planning or tedious thought had gone into that endeavour. Just acknoledging my hate and reacting in the most violent way possible.
Certainly all that was past me now. Barring a debriefing at the Coucil Headquarters I would be free of all my obligations. Perhaps I could find a flat near the river Thames. Had done a bit of rowing in my youth. Perhaps that would be the best therapy for now.
I think I ran out of tissues at the cemetary. We had to say good-bye to Buffy again. Now she was buried ...like her mother. Perhaps that was comforting. She may be somewhere better... with her mom.
Tara and I took Dawn home after saying goodbye to Xander and Giles. We got there and it was like the time when Joyce died where Dawn was so quiet but now the quiet was admist the three of us. I found another box of tissues.
So after debating for like ever I finally decided to just go to B's funeral. Never really been one for funerals actually, didn't even go to my first watcher's funeral. Seemed better not to, death's been a part of my life ever since I became the slayer and funeral's just made shit harder, ya know?
'Sides I wasn't sure that the scoobs would wanna see me. I mean, maybe they all blamed me for what happened to Buff. At least I knew she didn't, don't ask me how I knew that I just did. Personally, that was enough for me.
I stood in the back, masked by the trees watching the backs of Xander and G-man and the rest of the gang as they cried. I didn't cry, not once and I wasn't gonna start now. Doubted B would want me to cry for her. Instead I just stood there for awhile watching everyone else mourn for her, feelin' something tear apart inside.
Like a little piece of me just broke off and died. This wasn't the way shit was supposed to go down at all, I knew that. I was supposed to be the dead one. They didn't have to say it, I already knew it. The world was a better place with B here in it and I've mostly just wasted oxygen.
That was gonna change.
No more chosen two, nope it was all on me now. I was the chosen one for once. Wasn't that what I'd always wanted? Well, I won't lie and say it wasn't because everybody's whose ever met me knew I wanted B's life. But I never wanted this, ever. Not that I expect any of them to believe that.
Still, I gotta pick up the slack now that B's gone. Hellmouth needs a slayer and I'm it. Got no where else to go anyways. It was wicked obvious that Xand was done with me, and I really wanted to not care about that. But the truth was, I did.
Wasn't this the shit that I always wanted to avoid? Caring about stuff, about people. Where was the girl who used to not need anyone? She was still in here somewhere, I'd find her again.
With one last look I turned and headed back to the hotel. Least I still had a few bottles I could hit up there.