Log in

No account? Create an account
Skitzo Sunnydale's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
Skitzo Sunnydale

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[25 Jul 2004|06:03pm]

Solvie'd been asleep for hours, the fact that I killed her ex-lover was getting to her. Not because she still wanted him, but I think she was afraid ... for me.

I walked into the bedroom and pulled a chair up next to the bed and took her hand. I just sat there and watched her sleep for what felt like hours. I prayed to any god that she wouldn't hate me after seeing how much of an animal I am.

Inside me it stirs, I was born this way, and it had taken a long time to control urges for blood. And I would do anything for this girl.

She started to stir and opened her eyes and looked at me.

"Hey." I said softly.
post comment

[08 Jul 2004|08:30pm]

Unbe-bloody-lievable. That soddin wanker Ripper went back to merry old England and didn't so much as leave me a soddin' extra pint of blood in his reefer. Old bastard was kind enough to leave a few bottles of the good stuff at least. That and the soddin cable bill was paid up 'till the end of the month. Time for old Spike to catch up on Passions

Damn its nice to watch on a telly without need to hook up the bunny ears. Reception in a crypt is exactly how you'd expect....cryptic.

"Oh balls Timmy! Get your arse out of that well you wanker!"
6 comments|post comment

[08 Jul 2004|08:24pm]

I was quite right about the change in scenery doing myself good. I've even looked up Olivia who required little coaxing for a 'Welcome Home' evening. She offered a flimsy excuse about testing out my mattress...actually I rather took it as an invitation. Bloody glad I did too, it had been entirely too long since this old boy has gotten some....ahem...action.

It was precisely what I needed to work Ethan Rayne and his disgusting memories from my body and my mind. That chapter in my life was closed for good and the book burned. There would be no falling back on old habits for me. No more business with slayers, hellmouths, or wanton magical adventures.

Just booze and pussy for Rupert Giles now.
post comment

[05 Jul 2004|12:23am]

[ mood | scared ]

Everyone was all depressed because Buffy was dead. I mean, sure, I was sad too, but isn't there going to be another slayer called or something? Or maybe Faith will do all the slaying. I guess I should "look at Buffy's death like she's a human" and not like just a slayer, but it's so hard to think about her when she was a normal, living, breathing person like me. I mean, I could die someday! Soon! Even, tommorow. That would really suck. I'd want to have sex one last time with Andrew before I died. All these thoughts about dying and sex made me nervous. I knew what I had to do.

I jumped in my car and sped off to Andrew's parents house. I still wasn't the greatest driver, but I got where I needed to. The brakes screeched as I stopped in front of Andrew's house, my car halfway in their driveway.

I knocked on the door loudly, "Andrew?" I called out, "You there??"

46 comments|post comment

[29 Jun 2004|01:50am]

I've done a lot of thinking lately. I need to do what that Mike guy said. I have to be the strong one now that Buff is gone. As much as I don't want to be the in charge guy... with Giles gone I have to. Someone has to look after Dawnie. Will is busy with school, and I have work and all so it is going to be hard. But I'll find a way.

I looked around my apartment and saw the note that Faith had left on my table. I opened it up and read it. I was shocked when I read her words. She loved me? I had left this on my table for weeks thinking that it was a 'fuck off letter.'

I had to find her. Hopefully she hadn't moved on.. or found someone else.
15 comments|post comment

[24 Jun 2004|09:12pm]

The day came and went and I'm still alive. Can't say much for Brett.

I don't exactly take pride in taking lives, even if they are lower than scum and deserve it. But survival of the fittest, I had to defend myself and what was mine. Even though I don't mean to seem as though I view Solvei as a possession, quite the opposite.

I could feel his crew following me, maybe they were clued in that Solvei would warn me, or maybe they were just too foolish and too cocky. Either way that attitude made the day fly by. Divide and conquer was the best way to destroy a pack, and essentially that's what they were.

I took them out one by one until I found him. He was slow and stupid, thinking his boys were there to back him up. Too bad all he got were bloody corpses. He was a suck shot.

I wish Solvei hadn't been there, my wolf took out all my rage and contempt for Brett out on his body. He was long dead before I could control the rage, rage that only fueled the animal within me. I never wanted her to see me like that.

Now I'm worried all I've done is frighten her, will she be able to look at me the same way again? I picked up Brett's gun and handed it to her. Just in case. I hated thinking about it, but there was a possibility something could happen.
post comment

[23 Jun 2004|12:23am]

I had the same dream again. I was putting a rose on Buffy's grave and it wasn't hers anymore. It was my own. Every time I had woken up I was shivering and i couldn't stop. I would just lay there in bed unable to breath. That rose meant so much.

I had put it on her grave three days ago and now it haunted my every moment. I had gone home with Willow and Tara after the funeral. And the sight of her coffin being lowered into that grave was burned deeply into my mind as though it had been burned into my skin.

I hadn't cried as they buried my sister. I couldn't. I had taken it all worse than anyone knew. I felt so incredibly guilty that she had died because I had been caught by that evil bitch Glory. I didn't want them to worry about me. Every single event we had been through in the last year weighed heavily on my mind every time i lay down to try and sleep. It was so hard to sleep now.

I think they worred more because I hadn't cried at the funeral. They seemed to know that when I break, there will be no stopping it for awhile. At the very least, that's how it feels.

If i wasn't 16 years old I would drink myself to sleep every night, no matter how I would feel each morning. They are planning on having someone stay with me at my own house. My house. The only thing that seems to be alright in my life is Mike, he sits with me as i stare at nothing. He listens as i share my memories.

It's so scary. I don't get to be a child anymore, even if I wanted to be. I have to be so much more careful now with everything. I was never prepared for my mother dying, I was never meant to be in charge of myself. But am I still the key, or do i get to just be Dawn? Do I still need to be protected.

It was so much simpler before. I knew what was expected of me and now everything has changed even more. I miss Buffy so much, I just want to see her. I want my mom.

I started to cry and sat down on the floor at the end of the couch, unable to control it as every ounce of emotion inside of me flowed out and i began to sob. I leaned my head against the cushion and listened to the storm outside as I felt like i was bleeding, the world finally whistling and wailing as the lights flickered. The world outside cried as I did, mirroring me as the lights went out and i was left in darkness.
13 comments|post comment

[11 Jun 2004|08:37pm]

Arriving in London after an interminably long flight was refreshing. Hearing the hodgepodge of familiar sounds and scents. It almost makes me smile, putting Sunnydale on the otherside of the globe. My moment of clarity was gone in a flash as it occured to me why I was here. Buffy was dead, and I was powerless to alter that. At another time in my life I would have done so, purely for selfish reasons.

Then again had I really changed that much? Certainly killing Ethan was something I had decided to do on a whim. None of my typical planning or tedious thought had gone into that endeavour. Just acknoledging my hate and reacting in the most violent way possible.

Certainly all that was past me now. Barring a debriefing at the Coucil Headquarters I would be free of all my obligations. Perhaps I could find a flat near the river Thames. Had done a bit of rowing in my youth. Perhaps that would be the best therapy for now.
post comment

[06 Jun 2004|03:05am]

I think I ran out of tissues at the cemetary. We had to say good-bye to Buffy again. Now she was buried ...like her mother. Perhaps that was comforting. She may be somewhere better... with her mom.

Tara and I took Dawn home after saying goodbye to Xander and Giles. We got there and it was like the time when Joyce died where Dawn was so quiet but now the quiet was admist the three of us. I found another box of tissues.
post comment

[26 May 2004|06:20pm]

So after debating for like ever I finally decided to just go to B's funeral. Never really been one for funerals actually, didn't even go to my first watcher's funeral. Seemed better not to, death's been a part of my life ever since I became the slayer and funeral's just made shit harder, ya know?
'Sides I wasn't sure that the scoobs would wanna see me. I mean, maybe they all blamed me for what happened to Buff. At least I knew she didn't, don't ask me how I knew that I just did. Personally, that was enough for me.

I stood in the back, masked by the trees watching the backs of Xander and G-man and the rest of the gang as they cried. I didn't cry, not once and I wasn't gonna start now. Doubted B would want me to cry for her. Instead I just stood there for awhile watching everyone else mourn for her, feelin' something tear apart inside.
Like a little piece of me just broke off and died. This wasn't the way shit was supposed to go down at all, I knew that. I was supposed to be the dead one. They didn't have to say it, I already knew it. The world was a better place with B here in it and I've mostly just wasted oxygen.
That was gonna change.

No more chosen two, nope it was all on me now. I was the chosen one for once. Wasn't that what I'd always wanted? Well, I won't lie and say it wasn't because everybody's whose ever met me knew I wanted B's life. But I never wanted this, ever. Not that I expect any of them to believe that.

Still, I gotta pick up the slack now that B's gone. Hellmouth needs a slayer and I'm it. Got no where else to go anyways. It was wicked obvious that Xand was done with me, and I really wanted to not care about that. But the truth was, I did.

Wasn't this the shit that I always wanted to avoid? Caring about stuff, about people. Where was the girl who used to not need anyone? She was still in here somewhere, I'd find her again.
With one last look I turned and headed back to the hotel. Least I still had a few bottles I could hit up there.
post comment

the luckiest ex-demon in the world [26 May 2004|12:01pm]

[ mood | anxious ]

Well, that was certainly awkward. Considering that I usually don't have much of a sense of awkwardness, it was probably very very awkward. I think that Andrew and I showed up at Dawn's house a touch at the wrong time. I think she's having a thing with Mike! How incredibly adorable! I have to ask him about it, soon.

After Andrew and I scooted off on his... scooter, he dropped me off at my house and he went home. I was sad he had to go home, but apparently his parents were semi-worried about him when he stayed over my house a few nights ago. It was sad because we have very amazing sex! Oh well.

I wonder how the other "scoobies" are doing. Ever since Xander and I split up, I don't seem to really keep in contact with them. I don't think they enjoy my company anymore, and besides they're all upset because Buffy died or something. I mean, sure it's upsetting and whatnot, but I think she did it for the greater good. Or something.

I have to get ready for tonight, 'cause Andrew's taking me out on another date. He's so absolutely perfect! His cute little moments and the way he is so incredibly innocent about many various things. It's so great. I'm so lucky!

post comment

[22 May 2004|05:35pm]

[ mood | numb ]

Today was the day we put Buff in the ground. Everyone was there, shedding tears. I just stood there. I hadn't cried since the day she died. I was numb and I wanted to stay that way.

Of course the weather had to mock what all of us were feeling. It was bright and sunny with a slight breeze. Just the kind of day that Buff would have loved to be outside in.

Faith left. She left my apartment that is. I didn't really expect her to stay. I saw that she wrote a note, but I didn't need to read it. I knew what it said. She wanted someone that could be more of a man no doubt. She didn't want some guy that couldn't get out of bed in the morning.

I can see why Buffy did what she did. It's my selfishness that can't accept it. I want my friend back. I hope that there is a better place and that she is in it. The realist in me just thinks that when we die we cease to exist.

Buff had such a presence, maybe it was why everyone was so drawn to her.

My thoughts stopped when Will and Tara came over to me and said that they were leaving and taking Dawn home. I hugged them both and sat back down on Giles' couch.

I drained the rest of the whiskey that was in my glass. I was not in any shape to drive. Did it really matter though? Maybe Giles would let me stick around and drink some more of his fancy booze. Wasn't really my style, I was more of a beer drinker. But the brown strong stuff did the job a little quicker.

I walked over to Giles and took the bottle that was in front of him. I filled both of our glasses and raised my glass. "To Buffy." I said with a small slur in my voice.

26 comments|post comment

[22 May 2004|09:43am]

[ mood | hyper ]

I killed…no matter what Oz tries to make me think I know I killed, I had the blood covered on me and the memory of eating the boy, eating another human and the thought makes me feel sick inside.
I haven’t left the house, just stay in his arms as much as I can, I feel safe there and no where else. I haven’t even been able to sleep right in days, if I’m not tossing and turning then I’m waking up from nightmares and wishing Oz would wake to so I could be held and he could tell me everything would be alright to make me feel better even though I know it wont be, not right away at least.

I skipped a band practice and I know the guys well be cross with me for not being able to say much more then “just because and get off my fucking back” then slamming the door in their faces but I’m stressed and its not like I can actually tell them the truth so I just want to be left alone by them.

This morning when Oz woke I had been through at least my 2nd pot of coffee, fingers pinned to the cup, eyes pretty much bugging out and body shaking from the caffeine rush that was sourcing through my body but it had my mind off the killings so if I died of the over dose.
I looked up at him and started talking random things much faster then the human mind could ever comprehend.

60 comments|post comment

[21 May 2004|09:04am]

[ mood | worried ]

I don't know what happened, I lost it.
I come off crazy the way I've been rambling on, but maybe I am. There have been some moments where I blacked out and I can't remember what happened, Ariel told me that I had been aacting diffrently, that also my eyes change like the wolf's.
I should have known to be careful, but instead I didn't pay really any mind. I went with her into the cage one full moon night and wolfed out with no intentions of it.
I broke the two of us out and killed for her.
Now she thinks she did it, but the more the dream like memory comes into focus the more I remeber that it wasn't her that killed anyone, it was me. Maybe knowing that would clear her consios if not all but alittle. I've already told her a million times that it wasn't her fault.

1 comment|post comment

[13 May 2004|07:37pm]

Angel, I have some bad news...." I started, my voice uncharacteristically shaky and nervous. "No. That just sucked." I said annoyed into the rearview window of my car.

"Ok. Angel, how are you? Buffy died saving the world." I smiled brightly into the mirror and sighed again before frowning. "No."

I parked my car outside the Hyperion, and didn't move for several minutes. How was I supposed to do this again? I'd been rehearsing how I was going to tell Angel about Buffy for almost the entire drive from Sunnydale to L.A. But everytime I practiced it, it changed. I still hadn't decided on how I was actually going to tell my best friend that the love of his life was dead.

It was becoming really obvious that there was just no way good way to tell him this. I already knew what would happen. He'd thank me for telling me, then he'd tell me to get lost so he could do his brooding thing for a really long time. That man vampire is just beyond predictable.

Walking in through the lobby doors I saw Wesley standing behind the counter and my face broke out in a smile as he looked up and saw me.

"Cordelia." He exclaimed, well exclaimed as much as really stuffy British people can.
"Welcome home." Walking around the counter, he gave me a hug before lettting go of me.

"Hi Wes." I said with a smile as I pulled away from him. "How are things here?"

"Very boring without you to liven things up." I knew he was just being nice, but they better be bored without me.

"Naturally I assumed you'd be lost without me." I really wanted to play catch up with Wesley, and I would. After I told Angel about Buffy. I knew if I didn't just tell him soon it would get blurted out in a way that probably wouldn't be very tactful. I had a hard enough time with tact as it was.
"Where's Angel?" I asked him.

"He's in his office, going over a case. Is something wrong?" Sure, leave it to Wesley to figure me out as soon as I walked in the door.

"Buffy died." I said honestly. It was almost like Wesley was the warm up for Angel. Well okay, no it wasn't since Wesley and Buffy didn't have this horribly tragic and soap operish past together.

"Oh dear..." Wes breathed in sharply, looking from me to the office door. I knew he was having the same exact thoughts as me, and part of me wanted to let Wes go and tell Angel. That wouldn't be right though. Besides Buffy had specifically asked me to tell Angel.

Gee thanks Buffy, when I die I'm so finding you and giving you an earful about that one. Don't even think you're off the hook just because you died saving the world.

"You better go talk to him then." Wesley said, as he retreated back behind the counter.
It looked like I was alone in this after all.

In my usual fashion I barged into the office without looking. I saw Angel turning in his chair angrily, getting ready to yell at Wesley for barging in but then he saw me and...oh my god was that a smile?
Way to make this even harder on me, Angel.

"Cordy. You're home!" Standing up quickly he came over and gave me a hug and I so badly didn't want to have to tell him about Buffy.

"Yep. I'm back, well for a little while anyways. Angel, there's something I have to tell you." I said, as I pulled away from him.
post comment

[13 May 2004|06:56pm]

There were only so many cigarettes to smoke, only so many beers to drink, only so many vamps to stake. Wasn't like I had anything else to do. Xander won't even look me in the eye since B kicked the bucket. He blamed me for it, not that he would say that but it was clear as day in the way he'd been treating me around here.

I know he probably thinks that I don't care. It's just the way I am, ya know? 'Sides I'm a slayer, we don't exactly have a long lifespan, I get that. B died saving the world, and I totally give her props for that but now I'm gonna live my life. What the hell else am I supposed to do, sit around and get broody with it like Soul Boy? I don't fuckin' think so. I got busted out of jail for a reason, now I'm the only slayer 'round these parts. Gotta move on and do my job, gotta slay. I mean, isn't that what Buff would want anyways?

It's not like she's the first person in my life to up and die on me. Actually it's sort of the story of my life, ya know? Difference was, this time I wasn't gonna freak out and go all psycho on everyone.

But mostly I just wanted to cover up the fact that Xander was hurting my feelings by ignoring me. Yeah, that's just great. I spent some time coolin' my jets in the state Pen and now I'm gettin' all soft. Fuck that. I'm not gonna let these people get to me. They were B's homies, not mine. They've made that more than wicked obvious.

Sitting down at the counter in the kitchen I started writing Xander a note on a piece of scrap paper.

Note to XanderCollapse )

Leaving the note on the counter, I grabbed the duffel bag near the door and headed outside into the bright California sunshine. I was alone again, just like I'd always been.
post comment

[12 May 2004|01:28pm]

It feels like every day is longer than it has ever been before. I spent the last couple of days just staring at the ceiling, or a wall if i happened to be standing or sitting up. It's like nothing will ever be right again. And it won't, not really anyways.

I find some comfort in having Mike here, but my entire world seemed to have shattered. As much as i loved people like the scoobies, having to be around this house is a painful reminder of what was lost. It's this whole thing with me. I was always taken care of, and i still am. But now I am by most means alone. My father may as well not be related to me, i think he even forgot about me, about all of us. It doesn't really matter. Even if it hurts, by now I think I should be used to this happening. I know she did this so i could live, and that should ease some things. I can only say that it doesn't ease anything from her being gone. It doesn't make her any less dead.

I can't help but love her for what she did. I get to live. I was supposed to die and now I feel so numb. But I'm alive. It's so scary to be alive.

Her funeral is soon. So soon that I don't think it should be happening yet. I want it to be over, but when it is she will really be gone.

I don't want her to really be gone. Because then I really am the only Summers left.
9 comments|post comment

[11 May 2004|01:08am]

[ mood | sad ]

My princess had left for the great city to see the warrior Angel. I had decided that I might as well go back to my homeland. There really wasn't any point in staying here. My princess had made it clear, without words, that she had no need of me. I decided to make my way back to the great city, find a portal and go back to being the great killer in my dimension. Even though I was an outcast, it was better then loving someone that did not love you in return.

I left this note for her on the kitchen table of her apartment.

My dearest Princess,

I have decided to let you go and find happiness with someone who will bring you joy. I know that I can not bring you joy, and that saddens me. But like you have said to me before 'that's how the world works.'

I will remember you fondly always.

The Groosalug.

I left the living area that we shared together with a heavy heart, but I knew that I was doing the right thing.

post comment

[10 May 2004|10:09pm]

The sun was about to rise as I sat outside, waiting for it. Knew I wouldn't end up with Buffy, I was destined to spend eternity burning, everyone had to know that much. Sod, think I might even be sobering up, whose bloody brilliant idea was this? Steeled myself to just do this, get it over with.

The sun peeked over the horizon, the first ray hitting my on the arm and a flame bursting from my skin. Suddenly I realized I liked all of it too much, slayer or not. I liked annoying all of them. Fighting with Faith, mocking that dunce Harris, getting Anya to say moronic things, Dawn and her teenage patterings...

Slapping out the flame I pulled up my duster over my head and made a dash for it. Where the bloody hell was I going to get inside.....Ripper. Dashing up to his door I shoved it open, slamming it behind me.

"Giles, you got company, nancyboy git....you better have some sodding blood in the reefer for me."
post comment

spending the night with Tara [09 May 2004|12:07am]

The rest of the evening with Tara was absolutely magickally. She filled it with so much love and tenderness that I will never forget it. My happiness was in her, with ever star that shines and every sun beam that caresses her hair.

But in the morning, while I laid in her arms... my thoughts were on Buffy. I wish I could have said goodbye to her. Something to let her know how much I loved her as a best friend. I was thankful to have my girlfriend back but I did loose that other important person in my life. No matter how many kind words.. I would always have a void in my heart with Buffy.

I got up early and go Tara her favorite breakfast which is Blueberry muffins and raspberry jam. I also made sure there was orange juice and skim milk as I waited her to take her shower.
post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]